By Anila Nicklos, M.Ed., CDP
Have you ever had to practice letting it go?
What happened to you that caused you to let it go?
How did you feel when you let it go?
I was born and raised in a communist country. My life had no meaning. We lived and celebrated the life of our dictator and the craziness that he built.
Even in that sort of environment, people being people pretended life was normal. And with that came the routine activities that normal societies would have — but in our case you had to watch every step you made and every word you said otherwise you would end up in prison. Just like my mentor who had been imprisoned for his westernized ideas.
Despite the reality of our environment, I grew up dreaming about becoming a ballerina. My oldest sister made me a dress that would open up as if the wind was pushing it when I spun around. As a showing off on my part (although I was still way too young to act like a show off) whenever the mailman arrived at the house to drop the mail, I would spin around by the front door. Vividly, I recall the mailman saying to me, “Anila the Ballerina” with the same enthusiasm on a daily basis.
I do not remember if my mother, father or siblings noticed my passion for dance. What I know is that I participated in the dance audition because my family member took me there. Upon the successful commencement of the dance audition, I began my journey as a dancer.
My dance professor quickly realized my talent. I easily learned the moves– even the complicated ones — I had perfect rhythm, elegance, elasticity, a keen ear for music, endurance and strength. I was also very very very quiet.
Due to my expression through dance and the talent I possessed, the dance professor decided to make me a soloist and entrust me with leading the dance group on a national scale event. And I was only 6 years old.
As the years rolled on, by the fourth year of dancing, I continued to lead big groups of dancers, earned awards and recognition and began my preparation for the professional ballet school. It was customary for the ballet professional school to hold an entrance exam at the end of the fourth elementary class year.
If you did not pass the exam you could not become a professional ballet dancer.
I was very confident about the exam. My professor, nationally recognized choreographers and many professional dancers already knew of me or had worked with me. I had inspired other young girls to become dancers, including one of my younger neighbors.
The summer of the exam, I intensified my work out. My work ethic was unparalleled to other children my age. I was known to not miss a practice no matter if I were sick, had a fever, or felt tired. I was working on a daily basis, practicing not only at my studio with my professor and teachers but also at home right after a practice or prior to going to one. Teachers at school recognized my talents, not only academically but also outside in curricular activities.
The summer of the exam I practiced at least 8 hours daily. I would work out, mingle with other ballerinas at the ballet school, act like I was a part of them, of their culture, their lifestyle. I dreamt in ballerina ways (if there is such a thing).
One of my most memorable moments as a proud child working out is the fact that I would bounce without stopping, up and down, for about 406 times. I had abs, I was ripped and you could see my ribs. I looked like a ballerina, I ate like a ballerina, I breathed ballerina. The national newspaper had written about me, published my awards and I had been featured in magazines.
The day of the exam, I confidently took the entrance exam. Then my family and I patiently awaited the outcome.
On the days leading up to the release of the results,I had been dreaming and I had seen myself dancing in the World Opera Houses.
To my utter shock, dismay, disappointment, disillusionment, displeasure, heartbreak I did not earn the right to join the professional school of Ballet.
WHY did I not win?
WHY did I not make it?
WHY did this happen to me?
WHY did other children win unlike me?
WHY did other children with no history of dancing win?
WHY did other children with no awards, no recognition, no talents win?
My WHY was so complicated and so big to unpack.
At 10 years old, I had come to realize my love, my passion, my dream for dancing came to a halting crash and I had no choice.
Overnight, I lost my status, my identity, my passion, my zest for my life, my ballerina dress.
For three days, I cried in my sleep. I did not dare cry in front of people.
My spirit was so proud yet so hurt — I did not want to let others know how deeply it had impacted me.
Then, as if things were not bad enough, my parents withdrew me from my dance practice altogether.
WHY was I being cut out from my life like this?
WHY do adults think young children have no feelings?
WHY did I have to experience this?
Next chapter needed to be lived…..
Because of what had happened I now needed to go back to my school and register for a regular school year which of course felt unbearable as it was outside my own ballerina dream.
Life had thrown me a big curve… I had to deal with it.
For days, I kept thinking and thinking. I needed to answer my WHY-s. But who could answer them? The WHY and the WHY-s felt complicated for many reasons. Then…..
My family decided for me. No more ballet. Anila now should focus on academics alone. She needs to keep her 4.0 GPA so she can prepare herself for something else.
The experience of crushing my passion, the way adults expressed themselves, the actions taken by them, the way I was forced to change my life course impacted me immensely and created what became of me.
That experience created the next level of me.
I decided to let go of my dream as a profession and focus on my next step. But it did not come without pain. (To this day I dream about dancing and performing on big stages.)
I struggled with my grades in my 5th grade. My spirit was wounded. I knew I had to focus on academics, but I was still hurting from my biggest disappointment.
That disappointment held power over trust. Trust shattered during the experience and I had to rebuild it again.
For some reason, although that young, I understood change and betterment of my future was only going to be possible through my own actions.
No one could fix my life, I had to fix it.
Also, I had learned others could disappoint you.
How do you make sure you protect yourself and be vigilant of others so your dream and your path are safe?
I realized my environment had changed and I was experiencing disorientation.
I reflected on my new life and tried to make sense of it.
Somehow, I had more hours to myself but could not keep up a 4.0 GPA.
I picked up reading books. I read so much that I started reading diagonally and too fast.
I started connecting with my school peers and teachers. Up to that point I had been so immersed in the ballet world that I felt like an outsider at my school.
My story did not match theirs (my peers) but I had to learn to appreciate it.
At home, I created a morning routine, an after school routine and an evening routine. I kept up my physical strength which in turn supported me mentally.
Slowly, my grades started getting better. I became fascinated with books. I had a best girlfriend. She and I would spend time together and sometimes also study together.
In the process of getting emotionally better and building a new life for me, I heard the stories of other young girls, who had completed the ballet entrance exam the same year as I and who had dropped out of the ballet school a year after they started it, two years after they started it, and three years into it. Instead of making me feel better it hurt me more.
I could not just ignore it. But I made peace with it.
I reflected on it and realized, it was not the young girls who wanted to become ballerinas, it was their parents.
They did not have the stamina, the talent and the passion I had possessed. Their parents wanted that path for them. Their parents had steered them wrong.
I realized that my parents were being realistic given our choices in our country, but I still knew I needed my dance, even if it meant I only danced for me.
I danced through my words, I danced through my life, I danced because I had built courage, discipline. I danced in my dreams and incorporated my dance in my life.
To this day, I dance when I walk, I dance when I speak, I dance when I paint, I dance when I write.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned in my life is to let it go. The power of letting it go.
I had to let go of my biggest dream in my life.
As I had let go I realized I had to build a new dream.
As I built a new dream I learned new things about myself and discovered new talents.
With the new talents came fresh realizations and my life entered a new phase and grew to a new level.
Lifelong learning became my best friend.
Learning new things expanded my horizons.
I fell in love again with myself and with my life.
Let It Go to Let New Come.
Let It Go to Enter a New Level of Experiences in Life.
Let It Go and Let God take care of you!
Let It Go and forgive anything that happened and anyone who wronged you.
The moment you LET IT GO THAT IS THE MOMENT YOUR LIFE ENTERS THE NEXT LEVEL OF GREATNESS.